Ali Merchant-The All-In Manager

Key leadership insights from my conversation with Ali Merchant, author of The All-In Manager

You can listen to our full conversation on The Learning to Lead Show here:

"From Accidental Leader to All-In Manager," Ali Merchant's Leadership Journey

There’s a moment in almost every leader’s story where the job changes…but the training doesn’t.

You were great at your role. You delivered. You hit numbers. You solved problems. And then someone hands you a title and says, “Congratulations…now go lead people.”

That’s how most leaders are born. Not in a classroom. In the deep end.

Ali Merchant calls this the accidental manager reality, and he’s right. Most leaders didn’t fail their way into leadership. They performed their way into it. Then they got left to figure it out with a smile, a calendar full of meetings, and a team watching closely.

Ali lived it.

It was 2008. The economy was tanking. Layoffs were everywhere. He was called into a conference room, thinking he was about to be cut, when his leader dropped a new title in his lap.

“He looks at me… ‘You’re gonna start managing five people now.’ I’ve never managed anyone in my life.”

“It wasn’t like you’re gonna start managing tomorrow… It was like today.”

Sink or swim.

So he did what the best accidental leaders do. He got serious. He started reading, applying, adjusting, and learning in real time.

“Read the book, apply the lesson, read the book, apply the lesson.”

“It is simple… It’s common sense, but it’s not common practice.”

In our conversation, we kept circling back to one theme: leadership isn’t about being impressive. It’s about being trustworthy, intentional, and human.

This chapter is written for growth-minded leaders who don’t want to stay accidental.

Trust is the price of admission

Before strategy. Before frameworks. Before new tools. Before you run another meeting or launch another initiative, there’s one question every team is silently asking:

Do I trust you?

Ali didn’t dance around it.

“If people don't trust you, nothing matters. The book doesn't matter. The frameworks don't matter. The tools don't matter. The templates don't matter.”

That’s not a motivational quote. That’s a leadership reality check.

When trust is low, everything gets distorted. Feedback turns into suspicion. Direction turns into doubt. Even your best intentions can start to look like control. And culture gets cautious.

People stay polite. They stay quiet. They do just enough to keep their heads down.

Performance might continue for a while. Commitment won’t.

Trust is a bank account, and leaders make daily deposits

Trust usually doesn’t collapse in one dramatic moment. It erodes through small withdrawals: inconsistency, broken promises, careless words, unmanaged emotions, and silence when people needed clarity.

Ali uses a picture every leader should keep in mind:

“Trust is like a bank account. You gotta keep adding those deposits.”

That framing is so useful because it tells you what to do next. Deposits are behaviors. Withdrawals are behaviors. It’s measurable.

And it takes pressure off perfection.

Ali made this point in a way leaders need to hear.

“If you become someone who is worthy of trust… even if you drop the ball and even if you make a mistake, your people will forgive you.”

The goal isn’t to never mess up. The goal is to build enough trust that when you do miss, your team doesn’t assume the worst.

The three core deposits of trust: care, reliability, competence

Leaders don’t need another speech about “being authentic.” They need targets. Ali breaks trust down into three simple deposits.

“You need to care. You need to be competent, and you need to be reliable.”

Each one answers a question your team is already asking.

✳️ Reliability: Will you do what you said you’d do?

✳️ Competence: Can I trust your judgment and execution?

✳️ Care: Are you for me… or are you using me?

Miss any one of these and trust gets shaky.

Ali gave a perfect example that exposes a blind spot:

“Imagine you are a very reliable person… But whenever you do it, you make a whole lot of mistakes… Do I trust you? That erodes the trust.”

Reliability without competence becomes frustration. Competence without care becomes cold. Care without reliability becomes chaos. Trust requires all three.

Psychological safety is the oxygen of performance

Psychological safety has become a trendy phrase, and when that happens, people start watering it down until it means nothing.

Ali didn’t.

“Safety is a climate… where we feel safe enough to take interpersonal risks with each other.”

That doesn’t mean people never feel uncomfortable. It means they’re not punished for speaking up.

It means they can disagree, ask questions, admit mistakes, challenge ideas, and say “I don’t understand” without getting shamed or retaliated against.

Ali said it clean:

“In a psychologically safe environment, I can disagree… and I can do so without being punished, attacked, or retaliated against.”

You want strong performance?

You need strong truth-telling. And truth-telling requires safety.

If people are walking on eggshells, you’re bleeding money

Some leaders think fear creates discipline. Fear creates silence. And silence gets expensive.

Ali’s Netflix example is a gut-check.

A big decision was made. People internally disagreed. Nobody spoke up. The backlash hit. Stock dropped. Subscribers left. The company had to reverse course.

The haunting part wasn’t the decision. It was the silence around it.

“There were a lot of employees… against this idea… But… they didn’t speak up.”

“Fear is half the battle. You’re literally losing money because people are hiding their best ideas from you.”

Leaders say they want innovation. Then they punish risk. Then they wonder why the best thinking never shows up in meetings.

“Accidental manager” is common… staying accidental is optional

Ali shared a stat that should make every organization squirm.

“Two out of three managers are accidental… meaning they’ve had no training, no coaching, no mentoring.”

That’s the normal reality. But here’s the danger: a lot of managers don’t stay accidental for a month. They stay accidental for years.

“A lot of accidental managers… remain stuck.”

Stuck leaders lean on position instead of influence. They react instead of leading.

They manage tasks rather than develop people. They default to control because it feels safer than coaching.

They don’t mean to create a toxic environment. It happens anyway.

The All-In Manager is built on three non-negotiables

Ali’s definition of an all-in manager is simple, but it’s not easy.

An all-in manager does three things really well.

1. An all-in manager is… an insatiable learner.
2. Delivers meaningful results.
3. Personally care(s) for the success of their people.

Then he drops the line that should wake up any leader who’s coasting:

“You can’t have one. You can’t have two, you need all three.”

This is where many leaders wobble.

Some care deeply but don’t deliver. Their teams like them, but results stall.

Some deliver hard but don’t care. Their teams perform, but it’s brittle. Burnout and turnover are always around the corner.

Some learn constantly but never execute. They’re full of ideas, short on follow-through.

Some execute but stop growing. They become the ceiling.

“All-in” means integrating all three. Learning. Results. Care. Every week.

Candor isn’t brutality. It’s clarity plus kindness

Candor has been hijacked.

Ali said what a lot of people are thinking:

“Candor… has been hijacked… some bosses believe that in the spirit of being candid, I can say anything.”

That version of candor is just emotional dumping with a leadership title.

Real candor has two ingredients:

“We can be candid by being clear and direct and being kind at the same time.”

Direct without kindness becomes fear. Kind without directness becomes confusion. People don’t grow in either environment.

Ali shared a moment from his own career that shows what healthy candor looks like. His peers got promoted. He didn’t. It stung. Then his boss told him the truth with dignity.

“I have higher expectations from you… You haven’t met those expectations, and that’s why we’re not promoting you.”

“But I’m gonna sit with you… We’re gonna get you where you’re trying to go.”

That’s candor. It hurts, then it helps. And years later, you’re grateful someone respected you enough to tell you the truth.

Culture of candor doesn’t happen by accident. Leaders set the rules

Creating and nurturing the right culture is a leader's most important work.

If you want candor, you don’t just say, “Hey, team, be honest.” You design it. You normalize it. You define what “honest” looks like on your team.

Ali’s approach is practical.

“Set an expectation… this is the kind of team that we get to talk to each other honestly and openly and kindly.”

“You have to come up with the rules of the game.”

He even described a simple exercise: define acceptable candor and unacceptable candor.

✳️ Acceptable: direct, specific, face-to-face, respectful.

✳️ Unacceptable: passive-aggressive, name-calling, nasty emails, public shaming.

Then you do the part most leaders forget.

“You wanna reward candor.”

Because culture is not what you say you value. It’s what you allow, correct, and reward.

Leaders don’t just ask for feedback. They build a feedback muscle

Most leaders say they want feedback.

Then they get it and feel the gut punch.

Ali didn’t sugarcoat that part.

“It’s like a gut punch to take constructive feedback from someone junior to you.”

Still, he made the point leaders can’t ignore:

“Your survival as a leader depends on you busting your blind spots.”

If you’re not actively working to find your blind spots, you’re not “stable.” You’re just unaware. And that’s dangerous.

Ali gave a simple structure that actually works:

✅ Ask genuinely.
✅ Ask specifically.
✅ Ask for one thing.

✅ Listen without defending.

“Do the whole two ears, one mouth strategy… and just listen.”

The way you respond to feedback trains your team on whether it’s safe to give you truth again.

The higher you go, the less feedback you get… and that’s dangerous

This is one of the most sobering parts of the conversation.

“The higher up we go, the less feedback we are asking.”

“The CEO is asking for no feedback at all.”

And even if they ask, people still filter. They don’t want to risk it. They don’t want to be “that person.” So the truth goes underground.

Then leaders say, “Nobody told me.” Yes, they did. Just not to your face.

Ali put it plainly:

“If we’re not asking… if we’re not getting feedback… we’re dying. We’re not growing.”

If you lead people, feedback isn’t a nice-to-have. It’s oxygen.

Difficult conversations don’t ruin relationships. Avoidance does

This line should be taped to every leader’s laptop.

“Difficult conversations don't ruin relationships. Avoiding difficult conversations typically tends to ruin relationships.”

Avoidance creates all the messy side effects leaders hate:

❌ Passive-aggressive behavior.

❌ Broadcast emailsare aimed at one person.
❌ Hallway complaints.
❌ Confusion across the team.
❌ Resentment that spreads.

Ali called out the funny-but-true pattern:

“We end up telling the whole world besides the person. We tell our dog… we complain… We don’t tell the person.”

Avoidance doesn’t preserve peace. It outsources pain to everyone.

Feedback should be tough on the problem and tender on the person

Accountability without dignity becomes humiliation. Dignity without accountability becomes dysfunction.

Ali nailed the posture:

“Be tough on the problem. And tender on the person.”

That’s the standard.

Not “lower the bar so nobody feels bad.”

Not “raise your voice so they take you seriously.”

Hold the bar. Protect dignity. Keep it behavioral. Keep it specific. Keep it human.

A simple weekly move: become a “debate maker.”

If you want candor, ask questions that require courage.

Ali gave one of the most practical habits from our entire conversation:

“The next time you have a really big strategy… share it. But then ask… ‘can anyone poke holes in this?’”

That question sends a signal:

🟢 I don’t need to be right.
🟢 I want the best idea, not my idea.
🟢 You’re safe to challenge me.

If you want a team that tells the truth, you have to become the kind of leader who can handle it.

New leaders should learn and listen… and stop being the fixer

This advice works for brand-new managers and seasoned leaders who still act like the hero.

Ali put it simply:

“Talk to your people… Don’t think that you have to be the smartest person in the room.”

“Connect with the person behind the title.”

Then he said something that sounds funny until it hits you in the chest:

💡 “Become lazy.”

💡 “You don’t have to be the fixer in every situation.”

Some leaders think their value is giving answers.

Ali challenged that assumption.

“Our value is… having the ability to ask the right question.”

Better questions create better thinking. Better thinking creates better teams. Better teams create better results.

That’s all-in leadership.

Application Steps: Put this into practice this week

1) Audit your trust account

Ask yourself:

🔷 Where have I made deposits lately (care, reliability, competence)?

🔷 Where have I made withdrawals (inconsistency, avoidance, defensiveness)?

Pick one small deposit to make in the next 48 hours.

2) Run the “3 Deposits” check-in

Choose one deposit to strengthen this week:

• Care: one meaningful 1:1 that isn’t just status updates

• Reliability: close one loop you’ve left open

• Competence: tighten one decision or process you’ve been sloppy about

3) Set candor standards with your team

In your next team meeting, define two lists:

• “Here’s how we give feedback here.”

• “Here’s what we don’t do here.”

Make it visible. Repeat it until it becomes normal.

4) Ask for one piece of feedback and don’t defend

Use Ali’s structure:

“I want to serve you better. What’s one thing I can do differently?”

Your job in that moment: listen, clarify, thank them.

5) Ask the debate-maker question once

Next time you present a plan, ask:

🔷 “What am I missing?”
🔷 “Can anyone poke holes in this?”

🔷 Then reward the first person brave enough to speak.

If you want to stop being accidental and start leading with intention, it begins with one decision: become worthy of trust. Everything else gets easier after that.